insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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