I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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