I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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