Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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