I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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