I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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