Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
soo... how was my night?
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