Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
