I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
