I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize