Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
