mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
