The maid of honor just puked.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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