i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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