You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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