you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
