So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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