I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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