just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
His nipple licking is glorious
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