That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
