shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
