He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
