Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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