God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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