I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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