I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
