o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
