Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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