My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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