and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
