smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize