I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robitsâ€
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