I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
