cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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