he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
