You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
