I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
