New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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