My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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