I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
