Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Someone shit on the floor
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
