the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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