I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
