watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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