Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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