if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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