The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
