I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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