Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
bring money and cleavage
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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