o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
