I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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