Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
