Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
