This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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