Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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