I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
