do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We are all done wearing pants today
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
