There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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